A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance

As the title may suggest, I have suffered another loss of a family member. An unavoidable phenomenon that unfortunately seems to be occuring more frequently. A few more empty seats at the dining table for the family get togethers. As I listened to the mass, I created mental notes of what I would like if it were to be my wake. The voice in my head says: "Who cares- you'll be gone!"

 Well, it certainly had me pondering, after experiencing the loss of a few loved ones, what is it that makes this experience so sad? The voice replies:"Duh, because you're losing someone, hence why they say they're gone, departed..." I don't like the voice's tone. I ponder this more as someone recites the beatitudes. Not a religious person, but I've been to more of these "Celebrations of life"that I feel I could probably give one should the pastor be stuck in traffic.

If I haven't seen someone in some time & learn of their death, I may shed a few tears. It's not the frequency or the location but more so how deep the relationship that triggers the internal grief button. What that person has meant to me, what experiences we've shared. The closer they are, the more difficultt o imagine your life without them. Circumstances seem to play a part in attibuting sadness. An accident, a young person, a person suffering etc...Ultimately, it is selfish but understood & accepted. A rite of passag as it is part of existing.

At this moment, I still become teary-eyd but it is getting better. I really should be looking for employment but battering my self-esteem seems so counterproductive and not the postive enrgy boost I require right now.
As for my one celebration of life, it will indeed be just that. Just you be fortunate enough to be left behind for it, I hope you will enjoy the bagpipes and the scotch. Drinks are on me!